“Krissy? Did I wake you?”

I hear your sad, but hopeful voice on the phone. Suddenly, a feeling of warmth spread all throughout my system. Your voice does that. It never fails to amaze me how much you can do with such little effort.

“Hey, Yosh… it’s three in the morning, how could you not wake me up?” I kidded, trying to lighten your mood.

I know why you’re calling again. I know that tone of voice too well. I know you too well.

“I know.” You whisper apologetically. But something else is on your mind. You do not really mean the apology you said, you said it just to fill the emptiness. “We broke up.”

I fought hard to push back the joy that’s bubbling over me. But I know I’ll be hearing more of this thing between you two. My temporary moment of happiness was cut off. Reality sank in. You. Her. When will it end? When will I stop hearing about her? But then again, before her, there were others, and surely, after her, there will be others too. That is, if you even get over her.

There was something about her, I remember you telling me that. Why is it that there’s always something in the girls you’ve liked that isn’t in me? If you combine all the somethings that these girls possess, I will be nothing in comparison.

But isn’t that what I am to you? Nothing? Nothing but your buddy. Your best friend who always sees you through.

Still I respond caringly.

“What happened?”

You take in a deep breath and everything starts flowing out.

She’s been distant lately and you don’t know what’s gotten over her. You tried talking to her but she wouldn’t open up. Things have been different between the two of you. You’re going crazy thinking about what it is you’ve done wrong, and how you could make it up to her. Tonight, you decided to cook her dinner and make her everything she wants. But you ended up fighting over petty things. Things that don’t even matter if you think about it.

I groan. How come the nice guys always end up being the slaves of these women? Can’t you see she can’t love you the way I do? Can’t you see she couldn’t give you the love you deserve? But I shouldn’t be thinking, I should be listening to you while you pour your soul out to me.

You flared up and asked her what she wanted, you were now saying over the phone. She suddenly went quiet and said she wanted her freedom. You felt your world suddenly crash around you. You couldn’t breathe for a moment.

“Do you love her?” I ask, afraid what I will hear might kill me.

“You know I’ve never been in love before. I love her so much. I don’t think I can bear losing her.” Your voice is cracking; I can feel the pain you’re going through. I forget the pain I feel for myself because of the pain I feel for you.

I can almost see you, frustrated, running a hand through your straight hair. Sitting in the dark, clutching to the phone as if it would save you from drowning into your sorrow.

I don’t know what hurts more, the fact that you’re suffering, or the fact that you’re suffering because of her.

Life can be so funny. Life can be so damn funny I want to cry. I want to cry for you and me, and all the things wasted in this world. Wasted because people can’t see clearly.

“It’s okay.” I say, not knowing what else to tell you. There is nothing more I could say or do to make you feel better. It’s unfair when you think of it.

She doesn’t do anything yet she means the world to you. I do everything and I don’t mean a thing to you.

Well, maybe I do. There were times I almost thought I mean more to you than what you let on. There were times I could almost feel you feel it too. Sometimes I thought I could be more than a best friend to you. Obviously, I was wrong.

“I don’t know…” Your voice is dripping with sadness. “I don’t think I can get over her. She was everything I could ever wish for. I love her so much.”

Damn you Yoshi. I whisper through gritted teeth.

Damn you for being so stupid.

Damn you for being so blind.

Damn you. Damn me. Damn.

I’m here. I’m here, can’t you see me? Can’t you feel me? I’m here, you idiot. What is wrong with you?

“Look,” I find myself blurting out. “Why don’t you sleep on it? I still have an exam tomorrow morning; I can’t afford to fail this one just because she couldn’t see how good she’s got it. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?”

I regretted those words the moment they came out of my mouth. I sounded a bit too bitter, a bit too harsh. “I’m sorry” I start to say.

“No.” You cut me off. “I’m sorry for being a pain… it’s just that you’re the only one who understands me. You’re the only one I could turn to, Krissy.”

I feel warmth all over my body again. But this time I shiver. Why do I shiver in the warmth? I hug my blanket closer to my chest. Why won’t your voice give me warmth now?

I look at my window; clouds are starting to cover the moon. Darkness is winning over light. I continued to stare for a while, hoping the clouds would stop, but they didn’t. Soon the moon was entirely covered with dark fluffy clouds. I sigh.

“I know, Yosh.” I barely whisper and put the phone down.

Because I DO know.

I know how it feels to have your world crash around you. I know how it feels to gasp in order to breathe. I know how it feels to love. I know, Yosh. You know why? Because every time I’m with you, I feel all of these. You do these things to me, repeatedly.

Yet I still stay.

Now, as I clutch my blanket, hanging on for dear life, I suddenly realize, maybe I need to stay away from you. You are my life, and you’re killing me. You’re killing me slowly.

Maybe it’s time.



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