I'm erratic from having smoked too many cigarettes, anticipating this moment. And it's damn freakin' cold; it's been raining all day.

And I'd give anything, anything at all, to be home where it's warm, and I can watch "Friends" on Star World.

Unfortunately, I didn't know this was going to happen. Sure, you dream about it, have morbid fantasies about it, but you don't actually think it's going to happen.

Just my luck.

The cast of this play are:

RY as his ex, who led to our breakup because he realized he was still in love with her. She has a boyfriend, but who the eff cares? She meets my ex once a week anyway under the pretext of friendship. And she tells my ex, "my boyfriend is nothing compared to you".

NN as my ex, who tells me, "Sa tingin ko, ako pa din naman e" when talking about his ex. Eight months ago, he told me I was gorgeous, that he'd wait for me because I had another boyfriend at the time. Four months ago, he gave me the "I really love your company... but I'm not in love with you" compliment.

And ME as me, ultimate uto-uto, foolish enough to believe all the compliments he ever showered me with. Four months into the break-up (roughly the same amount of time we were together), I cried myself to sleep over him for the last time. Something about knowing all the members of the play were here.

And so the play begins.

After his parents leave, bestowing upon NN two boxes of pizza for dinner, RY leaves as well. I am nowhere near the room when they do this, so I don't know anything that happened inside. Instead, I'm in front of the PC, logged on to Peyups.

Enter NN. Offering me pizza.

I don't know everyone has left so I say:

ME: Oh, no thanks, I already had someone take my order for dinner.

NN: Sige na, tara na.

ME: Hinde, wag na, thank you na lang.
Funny thing is, all this time I can't look at him. I lock my eyes on the PC.

NN: Tara na...

He grabs my arm and pulls me from the chair. I hesitate for a moment, and then another friend tells me she'll go along with me. I finally stand up and hold my friend's hand for support.

The whole time I was getting pizza, picking out the beef, putting it on another pizza and putting extra pineapples in mine, I don't look at him. He jokes around with me, asks me a couple of stupid questions like "Bakit para kang nalugi" or something, but I don't remember, it went in one ear and out the other. Finally, after getting my beef-free, pineapple overloaded pizza slice, I leave the room.

Two hours later, after taking my bath and getting bored with answering my problem set, I keep him company in front of the PC he's working on.

ME: Ano, may girlfriend ka na ulit?

NN: Wala a. Labo mo talaga.

ME: Ba malay ko no!

NN: Wala no.

ME: E di ano pinag-usapan niyo? ( Boy this play wouldn't win a Tony for Best Screenplay, I swear to God.)

NN: Wala...

ME: Break na sila ng boyfriend niya?

NN: Hinde.

ME: E bakit hinde?

NN: Malay ko...

ME: E bakit hindi ka pa din over sa kanya?

NN: E kasi feeling ko ako pa din naman yung gusto niya e.

I have to laugh at this. The girl's so erratic that one day she loves her boyfriend and the next she tells NN her boyfriend's worthless. But she still keeps that boyfriend around. She still hasn't left him yet. Maybe to keep a couple of boys in love with her? I don't know. Bitch.

ME: Pano mo naman nasabing ikaw pa din yung gusto niya?

NN: Wala... gut feel.

ME: E bakit di pa kayo nagkakabalikan?

NN: Wala... dami pa ako ginagawa e.

ME: Magagawan mo naman ng paraan yan lahat e.

NN: E ayoko pa muna e. Bakit mo ba pinipilit?

ME: You don't wait for things to happen, you make things happen.

NN: Alam mo, hindi naman kasi yan ganyan kasimple.

ME: Alam mo, hindi ka nga mao-over sa kanya.

NN: E mahal ko pa ata siya e...

ME: E mahal ko pa ata siya e... ( Mimicking his voice )

NN: ME, stop it! I'm tired of you always telling me what you think you should do!

ME: Fine you know what, I'll shut up.

I go out the room, slamming the door behind me. I get into bed in the next room, locking the door behind me and turning off the light. I can hear him slamming the doors outside my room. I can hear him shuffling his feet. I pull the blanket over my head and call him an asshole under my breath.

Suddenly he unlocks the door to the room where I am sleeping. He has a key, along with everyone else who uses this room. He opens the light, pulls my blanket down, holds my chin so he sees my face, and says:

NN: I'm sorry.

He inspects my face for tear streaks. I know he does this because he stares at me intently. And he knows I have a propensity to cry.

ME: Ako kasi nahihirapan para sayo e. Ayoko kasing nakikita kang ganyan na nakabitin.

NN: Hindi naman ako nakabitin e. Andami-dami ko kasing iniisip. Inuuna ko trabaho ko. Hindi ko nga siya naiisip e.

ME: The thing is: if you really want her, go after her.

NN: Ikaw na nga ang nagsabing I love my work. Gusto ko kung maghabol na ako or magka-girlfriend ulit or whatever, tapos ko na pag-aaral ko.

ME: Here's the thing: you left me for her so you might as well make it worth it.

NN: I know. E hindi ko pa kaya mag-sustain ng relationship ngayn e. Hindi ako makakaintindi ng girlfriend ngayon. Hindi ko lang yun maaasikaso.

And all this time, I was thinking, maiintindihan naman kita if ever a. Hindi naman ako parang si RY na demanding sa oras, ang taas ng upkeep. Andami kong willing gawin para sayo. Andami kong kayang gawin na hindi niya kaya para sayo. Maiintindihan kita. Aalagaan kita. Hindi mo ako kailangang ihatid kung hindi ka pwede, hindi ako magagalit nun.

And then it hit me: he knows this. He knows I'm willing to do so much for him. He knows I'd do anything. But it's not me he wants. It's not me he wants. It's not me he wants.

We say our good nights soon after, after the obligatory closing remarks about the weather and the time. He closes the lights, I pull my blanket over my head, and he locks the door after him.

Curtain Down

And my play ends. I cry myself to sleep shortly afterwards.

It's not me he wants. And there's nothing I can do to change that.



###############
... with apologies to Third Eye Blind

caravaggio is over him. really.